The Journey of a Mother's Heart

A Revelation

This morning as I was carrying Charlie back to our seat after having received Holy Communion, I heard him whisper, "Mommy?...Mommy?...Mommy?"

Realizing that he was not going to accept my attempts to ignore him, I whispered back, "What, Charlie?"

"Mommy...I like God."

Me too, Charlie.  Me too.

Farewell...for now

Happy Mardi Gras!

Elena and Jacinta made these masks and put together a last minute Mardi Gras party, complete with a pancake dinner, multi-colored confetti, and dancing.  I confess, if we didn't have Miss Sanguine as our oldest child, this family would probably never do anything fun.  She renamed us for the party.  Up above, you see Lady Cheetah, Lady Feather, Lady Moonlight, Lady Fancy, Lady Gypsy, Lady Mystery (moi), and Lord Chung (wearing Chinese pjs).  To the right, you see the one who named himself Lord Irritated (believe me, it fits :).

               

Just to let you know...I have decided to fast from the Internet for the next ten days.  It's been a long time coming, really.  God's been knocking...and I keep saying "just a minute."  I'm out of minutes.  He has a way of letting me know. 

I'm not sure where these ten days will take me in regards to the rest of Lent and this computer.  I hope to be back...but we'll have to wait and see.  As my dear friend Alice wrote so beautifully two days ago, I can let go of writing when I'm called, but the greater sacrifice is not being able to visit with all of you.  When I tried to protest that I need my online friends, I clearly heard His voice: Diane, you need Me.  And He's right.  Again.

Please know that you and your loved ones will be in my prayers as we journey toward the Cross.

Poetry...Monday?

Have I mentioned before that I am always late for everything?

I intended to write this post last Friday, but life pulled me elsewhere.  Since I plan on fasting from the Internet on Fridays this Lent, I decided to make my first Poetry Friday a Poetry Monday instead.  Why conform to the norm anyway?

If the truth be told (and where better to tell it), I am rather, well, ill-versed when it comes to poetry.  I learned the common nursery rhymes as a child, was introduced to haiku and limerick in fifth grade, and submitted one very weak poem entitled "Clouds" to Zoom (to my knowledge it was never aired).  That's about all I remember of my exposure to poetry during childhood.  I'm sure I must have studied some verses in high school, but they certainly left no impression.  In my college freshman Comp and Lit course, we studied from an introductory anthology to poetry, and I somehow managed to pull off an A-...but most of the poetry went right over my head.

It's not that I don't like poetry---I love the rhythms, the rich vocabulary and images, the twisted turns of phrase---it's just that I don't get most of it.  The hidden meanings and inferences are lost on me.  How does one begin to catch up and make up for such a missed education?  Well, I am determined not to allow my children to be crippled in this way, and so I am learning with them, starting with the basic lines of Rossetti, Milne, and Stevenson.  But it is a slow process.  And I am just a bit intimidated by all of you blogging friends who seem so comfortable in the world of poetry.

This is my very long way of explaining why I have never posted a Poetry Friday before.  And really, I had no intention of ever doing so, figuring that any gem I could present would be so old-school to most of you.  Then I was presented with this poem a couple of weeks ago, and I knew that it had to be shared here.

Reclaiming the Red Keep

ETL

            

Spears clashed, shields rang,

Men died, swords sang

As they swung through the air that day.

And when reinforcement finally came,

It was too late.

               

The girl they found was unhurt but scared;

Her family had not been spared.

A baron took her to raise as his own

The day that the Red Keep was taken.

                  

The years went by, the seasons passed,

The girl was nearly grown when, at last,

There arose a man yet still a boy

To save her honor and retake her home.

                  

He laid his plans and rebuilt its wall,

Then fought against the evil Sauval*.

The dawn was bright, the hour was light

When the girl went forth to help him.

                  

Together they fought, together they slew;

The grass was wet with blood, not dew.

They took the castle, but there still remained

A fight to be fought, a fight betwixt two,

A boy and a man.

               

The warriors fought that precarious fight

With all of their strength and all of their might.

They battled, thrusted, and parried too,

‘Til finally the youth was victorious.

       

The young but powerful duke of the land

Decided to take the matters in hand.

He proclaimed that the maiden could not own the keep,

But a husband could hold it for her.

      

Many men stepped up to fill that post,

But one in particular whom she loved most.

So, the lass and the lad were married

That day, and the castle, through love, was regained.

         

* The Sauval were a greedy and murderous fiefdom that attacked and took the Red Keep in the first place.

                     

My daughter Elena wrote this as a narration of the historical novel, The Red Keep, by Allen French.  I certainly never crafted anything like this in eighth grade...or since.  Although I'm impressed by her original use of rhythm and style and her excellent choice of vocabulary, I think the thing that I love most about this poem (besides the fact that I can understand it :) is that it reaffirms our way of learning here in this family.  For me, it was a little piece of evidence to support my heartfelt conviction that this method of educating works, even in the midst of my deficiencies.

We have always followed a relaxed, Charlotte Mason-infused style of learning.  My educational philosophy centers around providing excellent books and then getting out of the way, allowing the books themselves to be my children's teachers.  I am their guide and companion, but they make their own connections. Their enthusiasm for learning is all that I need to reassure myself that this is the best possible way for us.  Their minds are being challenged, their hearts are being touched, and they are being formed for life.

Lucky for me (and us all), Melissa Wiley has been writing an edifying series of posts on a Charlotte Mason education.  She expresses my thoughts and views far more eloquently than I ever could, so I invite you to visit The Lilting House, if you haven't already (and I'm sure most of you have).  I guarantee that you will walk away feeling refreshed and encouraged.  Lissa's joy in her motherhood is so utterly contagious...she describes a journey that I wish to follow with all my heart.

Happy St Valentine's Day!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.  Again, if two lie together, they are warm; but how can one be warm alone?  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him.  A threefold cord is not quickly broken."                                            (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

My Mr. Knightley

True romance is being swept off your feet by a man who...

...prays to the Blessed Mother for his future wife years before he meets her

...spends the first date with his bride-to-be walking and talking and walking and talking for hours and then ends the night by taking her hand in his and saying, "I can't believe this is happening"

...takes his sweetheart to a beloved spot on their deserted college campus the day after Christmas, bends down on one knee in the falling snow, and asks her to spend the rest of her life with him...after first calling her father to request his permission and seek his blessing

...presents his wife with three new outfits for their first Valentine's Day as a married couple even though he hates the holiday and abhors shopping

...falls madly in love with his first child the moment he sees her and never loses the wonder, pride, and joy of being a daddy

...saves his weekly spending allowance of twenty dollars for years and then surprises his wife by flying her father, siblings, and grandmother from Ohio to California and giving them all a memorable vacation

...never once complains about any meal that is set before him, no matter how awful it is or how many days in a row it has been served

...allows his wife's sisters to live with his family for months at a time, even though he knows it means sacrificing a great deal of her attention

...is completely open to new life and welcomes many children into his heart and home, through both pregnancy and adoption, never counting the costs of bringing them there

...surrenders week nights and Saturdays being a coach for his children on teams that rarely win

...whispers well-worn stories in the dark and sings his little ones to sleep

...takes late night walks, even though it's way past his bedtime and his feet are aching, because he knows that his wife needs the exercise and an open ear

...leaps out of bed half-asleep to care for a crying child and never once wakes his wife to do it for him

...gives the personnel officer his wife's prioritized list of locations for their next assignment instead of his own, placing her desires before his, without debate or explanation

...makes his wife believe that she is beautiful and loved when the battle scars of life and sin have made her feel painfully ugly and unlovable

...honors his promise to hold his wife close all the days of his life.

          

How incredibly blessed is the woman who has been given the heart of such a man.

After more than twenty years of loving him, he still takes my breath away.

             

               

For more inspiring stories of true love, please visit my dear friend Margaret for the Loveliness of Romance. 

My Friend Wilhemina

Now this is true comic genius...

How very blessed I am to know her!

June Cleaver I Am Not

I was really hoping to avoid the nasty little virus working its way through the blogs these days...you know, that ABCs of Homemaking meme.  I so did not want to go there and definitely did not want to hang the boring, humbling, nitty gritty details of my laundry for all of my blogging world to see.  But apparently that insidious little blogger named Margaret had nothing better to do in all of that Minnesotan snow than to call me by name.  Somehow I just can't bring myself to say no to such a dear friend and faithful commenter (and I fear if I do, I may never be tagged again), so here goes....

(I hope this also qualifies as my contribution to It Is What It Is.  I'm sorry, but you won't be seeing any photos.  I have my limits for humiliation.)

Aprons – Y/N
Well, I've had an old, stained, canvas one for years, but I rarely remember to wear it…until it is too late.  I remember more often ever since I found this cheerful one at the Euro Store.  Honestly, it looks much better on her.  (What wouldn’t?)

Baking – Favorite thing to bake:
I’m with Margaret…did you say bake or eat?  Because I much prefer the latter.  The bakeries are so incredibly wonderful here, offering tantalizing works of edible art for mere euro cents--- it really doesn’t make much sense to bake.  At least that’s how I justify it.  My two oldest girls, however, love to bake anything sweet, and they pretty much do it on their own.  My husband enjoys creating the most beautiful birthday cakes.  As you can see, there’s really no need for me to bother.

I do hope to try baking bread after we return to the US, even if it's just throwing ingredients into a machine.  I will really miss our fresh Belgian bread each day---the baguettes, oh the baguettes.

Clothesline – Y/N?
I’m afraid not.  I do believe I have more of an excuse than Kristen in sunny Orange County...but even in Orange County, I probably wouldn’t either, except for beach towels.

Donuts – Have you ever made them?
I don’t think so.  Surely I would remember, wouldn’t I?  Actually, I think I made them once with my youth group in high school.  Does that count?  I have made my grandmother’s apple fritters, which are sweet dough deep-fried around apple slices and sprinkled with powdered sugar.  Sort of like donuts.  Even better, methinks.

Every day – One homemaking thing you do every day:
Why is everyone saying, “only one?”  Because I can’t think of a single one that I myself do everyday.  Well, I do feed my family everyday, usually cooked food.   And I do move piles from room to room each day.  Oh, and there is always at least one toileting issue to deal with.  I guess I do have more than one homemaking thing that I do everyday.

Freezer – Do you have a separate deep freeze?
No deep freeze, though I think it would be a lovely addition since I do our major commissary shopping only once a month.  We do have an extra refrigerator courtesy of the Army, and that extra freezer space really helps.  Not that I ever fill it with frozen casseroles or anything practical.  More like ice cream and Boboli crusts.

Garbage Disposal – Y/N?
You mean besides my husband?  Actually, my father was a much better one than my husband will ever be.  We do not have a garbage disposal in our sink---perhaps because Belgian plumbing seems to be notoriously rotten and perpetually clogged.  They do collect the compost bin every other week, and I don't really miss having a disposal.

Handbook – What is your favorite homemaking resource?
My wise friends at 4Real.  Of course.  I want you to know that in no way do I hold you responsible for my poor implementation of your simply elegant and efficient ideas, except that you keep me on the computer far too much. 

Ironing – Love it or hate it?
Hate is a very strong word that I try not to use.  Let’s just say that my poor husband is ironing his shirts as I write this.

Junk drawer – Y/N? Where is it?
Maybe this is my problem.  (one of many, that is)  I don’t have a junk drawer, just piles of random junk scattered throughout the house.  Sigh.

Kitchen: Design & Decorating?
We live in a rental house now with ugly tan tile, basic beige cabinets and faux marble counters.  It’s a contemporary, European style that is definitely not mine.  The last kitchen that I was able to design had cherry cabinets, eggplant walls (meaning that they were painted a deep purple, not that they had leftovers splattered all over them), and a mossy green tile floor.  It was rich and warm and I loved it.  Not sure what my next one will look like, but it definitely won't be neutral.  What do you think is better for a kitchen floor---hardwood or tile?

Love – What is your favorite part of homemaking?
Naps.  Oh, and getting a front row seat for all of the funny and smart and creative and loving things my kids do.  They are not perfect, but they are by far the best part of life, along with their daddy.

Mop – Y/N?
Yes, once a week, by my beloved maid, Ania.  Were it not for this hard-working Polish ex-pat, the answer would be…not so much (i.e. only when my poor husband can’t take it anymore and pulls it out himself).

Nylons – Wash by hand or in the washing machine?
I rarely wear nylons, and they seem to snag before ever needing to be washed.  I do wash my tights by hand, but the girls’ usually go in the washer.

Oven – Do you use the window or open the oven to check?
We use the grill.   I guess I should clarify that…my husband uses the grill.  Okay, sometimes he is late from work and then I do use the oven and---horror of Good Housekeeping horrors---I do crack the door to check.   I would use the window if I could see through it.  (Kidding, I'm kidding.)

Pizza – What do you put on yours?
My husband makes the pizzas around here (by now you are wondering if there is anything I do in this home...trust me, he has been wondering that very thought for years), and he puts anything and everything (within reason---no anchovies or fruit) on them.  I love white pizza with fresh tomato and marinated artichoke hearts, but I’ll snarf down the works just as easily.

Quiet – What do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?
I have six children with the gift of gab. (I had so hoped it would be true that boys are more nonverbal.)  A quiet moment during the day is exactly that…a moment.  Just long enough for me to catch my breath and (almost) unscramble my thoughts.  My quiet moments come during the night, when everyone else is asleep. Lately I spend that time with my friends, soaking up the sisterhood and wisdom at 4Real and visiting them individually at their inspiring blogs.  (Big surprise there.) 

Recipe card box – Y/N?
Yes.   And a folder of random recipes printed off the computer.  And a gallon-size Ziploc bag, overflowing with haphazard scraps of paper and cardboard, some scribbled by my mother’s hand eons ago.
I am going to organize it all…one of these days…no, really, I am.

Style of house –
My husband describes it as a Belgian house that the Brady bunch might have had.   Picture the 70s with a European flair.   It’s a split-level, but not in the American sense---we have six half levels altogether.  No carpeting, all tile and marble.  A 3'x5' brick planter in the entryway and a funky black metal fireplace (that I've grown to love) in the middle of the living/dining room.  Three bathrooms with tubs/showers and sinks and three toilet rooms with toilets and sinks---did I mention how much I love my maid?

Tablecloths and napkins – Y/N?
Cloth napkins everyday, as long as I’ve done the laundry.  (Too many paper ones lately.)  Tablecloths for special occasions and seasons.

Under the kitchen sink – Organized or toxic wasteland?
Somewhat organized.  Not that bad.  Really. (My overly honest daughter might disagree.)

Vacuum – How many times per week?
Twice per week, but not by me.  Once by the maid, once by my daughters.

Wash – How many loads of laundry do you do per week?
Okay, this is one that I do.  (And it only took me to W to find one.)  8-10 loads per week.  I sort and wash by bedroom (theoretically), which makes it easier to put away (theoretically).  I really try to have it all done by Friday, so that I can take the weekend off.  Of course, our electric company just changed its rates so that electricity costs about half as much on the weekends.  I may have to give up my laundry-free Saturdays.  Sigh.

X’s – Do you keep a daily list of things to do that you cross off?
I write lots of lists.  And then I misplace them before I have the chance to cross them off.  The really sad thing is that even when I find the lists weeks (or months) later, I still can’t cross off things because I still haven't done them.  Sigh and smile.

Yard – Y/N? Who does what?
You guessed it, I’m sure.  My husband does the yardwork.

Zzz’s – What is your last homemaking task for the day before going to bed?
Am I supposed to do a homemaking task before going to bed?  Does brushing my teeth count?
Lately, I’ve been falling asleep as I tuck in my babies.  (You are supposed to get under the covers when you tuck in your babies, aren’t you?)  I’m absolutely sure that loving your little ones to sleep is one of the essential tasks in making a good home.  It’s certainly one of the most enjoyable.

********************************************************************

As I read this list over, I realize that it must look like I am a total slacker.  I do admit that I did marry wisely.  Can I be blamed if my husband likes to serve?  In my defense, there are many things I do that weren't on the list...like, um...vacation planning...and, um...gift buying...and, well, I'm sure there must be many other things that I just can't think of right now.  And despite how it sounds, my home is not dirty, just a bit, you might say, cluttered.  Believe me, I would call Robin Puckertucker right now...if I could only find his number.

Just so you know, I do not take the vocation of being a homemaker lightly, and I really am aiming to be more like that Proverbs 31 gal.  It's just not something that comes naturally to me in many ways.  I absolutely love being at home with my kids, but I'm not that great at pulling it all together, primarily due to a lack of organization, self-discipline, and know-how. 

My mother, God love her, was not exactly the best teacher of Homemaking 101.  She was a gentle, easygoing mother of nine whose very phlegmatic nature would often lead her to choose lying down to read a novel over organizing the pantry or taking us to the beach (where she could lie on a blanket to read a novel) over scrubbing the bathroom.  I can't exactly say that I blame her.  More often than I'd like to admit, I follow in her footsteps, although I am more likely to turn on the computer than to open a book.  (I'm working on it.) She did teach me that children were the most important part of life, and I can't imagine there is a homemaking lesson more significant than that.

One final thought...right before I graduated from Notre Dame, my dorm voted me Most Likely to Be a Happy Homemaker.  Probably because they viewed me as too unambitious to have a real career.  I can't think of any career that could ever make me happier.  Now, this is Real.

(If you've read this far, let me applaud you for your endurance and thank you for your faithful readership, let me apologize for allowing this post to grow so long, and let me invite you to reexamine your priorities and your use of time.  Obviously, I have the gift of gab like my dear children, at least when it comes to writing.  Or perhaps it would be more appropriate to label it the gift of blab.)

As for the toss...I had planned to tag Karen, but she just couldn't wait.  Is there anyone left who still wants to play?  Kristina?  Maria?   

Oh, Wonder of Wonders!

Now, I don't intend to become your news source for weather in Brussels, but...

When Charlie and I awoke this morning, we raised the hatches heavy external blinds on the picture window in his bedroom and discovered this...

Surely, I can't call a snow day two days in a row.  Well, maybe after lunch...

Has it moved over to Germany yet, Stephanie?

Loving the Wounded

My friend Helen offers some eloquent thoughts on parenting a child who suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder.  These words especially touched my heart:

"It truly is a war. Surprisingly, the battlefield resides in the heart of the parent. To win this war, the parent must fight himself, must battle to practice virtue and exercise the epitome of self control. He must remain in the trench dug deep within his heart keeping the Lord company.In this trench, we also have company of the Sorrowful Mother who shows us the way of love in her example and she comforts us in her motherly attention."

My greatest struggle in parenting a child who shows symptoms of RAD has not been with my child, but with myself.  Anger, doubt, unkindness, impatience, despair...I have been there.  Some days, I am still there.  There are moments when all I offer my child is exactly what she does not need, times when I inflict even more hurts onto her already deeply wounded heart.  Overwhelming sorrow always follows...for both of us.

I want so much to be a source of healing in her life at all times.  I have tried and tried and tried to change the sinfulness that keeps me from being so.  It is not enough to say that it is only human to feel and respond this way at times.  I am not called to be only human...I am called to be a saint and a warrior, to be willing to lay down my life for the sake of another, certainly for the sake of my own child.

Helen reminds me so beautifully that I must not fight this battle alone, that I must rely on the power of Christ and the graces that flow from His Mother.  I must unite myself to the King of Kings, immerse myself in His Love and Mercy, and allow Him to fight this war through me.  There is far too much at stake to do otherwise---both her soul and my own, as well as the rest of my family.

For me, Helen's way of looking at RAD has transformed this painful and unwanted struggle into something beautiful and holy, as an opportunity to surrender more deeply and grow ever closer to the One who loves all of us so completely.  This child, this precious child with all of her ugly hurts and unintended imperfections, is absolutely necessary to my salvation.  Before her, I was selfish in ways that I did not even realize and might never have known.  How blessed I am to have her as my daughter. 

May I never take such a gracious blessing for granted.

How Did I Know?

By two o'clock this afternoon, there was hardly a snowflake left.

The couple on the right were modeled after my husband and me...and I think that the more they melted, the more they resembled us.