We Walk by Faith

My dear Margaret, this post is for you.

I have not been asked to carry the cross of losing a child through miscarriage.  My struggle has always been about conception rather than pregnancy.  So, on the deepest level, I don't feel that I can fully comprehend the agonizing loss that a mother must endure when she is forced to surrender her baby through miscarriage. 

And yet...I have experienced the pain of a failed adoption.  Not in a legal sense, but as a matter of the heart.

You may know that my husband and I have four children whom we adopted overseas.  What you may not know is that we attempted to adopt children in the US for ten years before our hearts were opened to international adoption.  We were not looking solely for a healthy, white infant---we were willing to open our home to any waiting child that needed us.  The adoption process was begun several different times in several different states, but we were never given the keys to unlock those doors.

In each case, the journey was very much the same.  We found a child---and in one case, siblings---that needed a family.  We muddled through tedious paperwork and invasive interviews.  I wrestled with God and wrestled with my heart, wondering if I could truly mother this child.  I heard His whisper: Diane, do you trust Me?  And I surrendered my will to His and gave a piece of my heart to my new little one.  I allowed myself to envision welcoming the child into our home and walking through the years of our life together.

Then...BAM...the door was closed.

I cried.  I yelled.  I ached.  I questioned.  I prayed.  And then I heard His whisper: Diane, do you trust Me?

In time, my heart would heal a little, and eventually I was ready to begin the process again.  But after ten years on the roller coaster, I reached the point where I did not want to ride anymore.  I surrendered all of my desires to my Father and honestly told Him that I was more than grateful to raise my beautiful daughter as an only child.  I recognized the precious gift that she was and couldn't ask for anything more.  And of course, that is when He chose to open the door to China and the real roller coaster ride began.

Still...there remain those lost children that my heart has never forgotten.  I know very little of what happened to them.  The sibling group was most likely separated into different families.  A little girl with cerebral palsy remained in a foster home because our skin was not the right color.  A sweet boy was adopted into a family with two mothers.  And two young girls were taken home from orphanages by their grandmothers, one in Kazakhstan and one in Russia. 

It is impossible to know and understand why they were not allowed to come and join our family in a physical sense.  Perhaps it was always God's intention that they be children of my heart and not of my home.  Perhaps all that He ever wanted from me as their mother was to pray for them from afar.  I do know that if any of those adoptions had been finalized, I probably would not have found my way to four of my precious daughters.  I cannot imagine my life without them.  And so I find that I cannot question His Wisdom in the losses I faced.

Now, after more than four years of life with one of my daughters, it sometimes feels like I am in the midst of a failing adoption, because of her deep brokenness and my own.  Their are moments and days that I forget His Wisdom and question my past decisions.  I wonder if I made a mistake, if I forced something to happen that never should have, if she wouldn't be so much better off with a mother who was better able to love and care for her in the way that she needs, if she wouldn't have fared better in a family without so many little ones where she could receive more attention.

I cry.  I yell.  I ache.  I question.  I pray.  And then I hear His whisper:  Diane, do you trust Me?

And so, we walk forward in faith.  What else can we do?  We cling to His promises of faithfulness and pray that we may be open to His Grace.  As we journey on, our trust must be blind, not knowing what may come in the future or why all has come in the past.  Yet although our trust is blind, it is not without hope.  Hope that can come only from the One who loves us so perfectly.

My heart and my prayers are with you, dear friend.  You are such a beautiful witness to me.

Comments

[Katherine in TX]

Diane, you are a beautiful witness as well. Thank you for opening your heart and home to God's precious children. They are truly blessed and I am blessed to know you.

[Maria]

Oh, Diane, this posts makes me feel like I love you more.

How beautiful for you to write this and for your daughter to one day read it and know your heart....our prayers are yours.

[Kim]

Diane that was beautiful. I wish we could spend an afternoon over coffee!

[Kristina]

Thank you, Dear Diane, for sharing your heart in this special post. God bless you and your beautiful perfectly-planned-by-God family!

[Margaret in Minnesota]

Dearest Diane,

Oh honey, I DO understand what you went through those ten years of failed adoptions. Not perfectly, of course, but I know how HARD it is when God says "no" (temporarily or not) to our request for another baby.

What's wrong with my intention, we wonder?

When the question should probably be, what's wrong with my FAITH?

Yes, Our Lord wants to know if we trust Him--as your beautiful refrain throughout this beautiful post shows. We just need to look to Sacred Scripture to be convinced: it is always one's FAITH that seems to impress Jesus the most. (Think "Roman Centurian" and "woman with a hemorrhage".)

I send all of my love to Belgium with this comment. I wish I were delivering it personally.

Thank you, Diane, from ALL of us. This post will do much good! And thank you, too, from little undeserving me (such a work in progress). I am infinitely blessed in your love & in your friendship.

[Jamie]

Wow, this hit home for me. We also had a failed adoption. We had a MN waiting child in our home for 6 mos. She was 11 years old and had been in over 50 different placements. She had gone back and forth from foster home to her birth mother at least 15 times. She had attachment disorder, fetal alcohol, she was sexually abused, physically abused and only God knows what else. (we found all this out after she was in our care) Her name was Amber and in the short time she was with us, she was baptized and loved. I have always thought that was the "why" but now after reading your post, I realize I really need to pray for her every day, that is also the "why". shortly after this happened, a priest asked if I wanted my womb blessed. (he said he had read about a priest who had quite a few childless couples coming to him and he started blessing the women's wombs and each one had become pregnant) So of course, I said yes. And within 3 weeks we were pregnant. We now have 4 living children and one miscarriage in heaven. Thank you Diane for this beautiful post and for being here. It is what I needed for today. Things seem to only happen when give all go God and totally trust all with Him. This is what I needed today, God Bless you.

[Cay in La.]

Diane, what a beautiful post. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your heart.

[Cheryl]

Diane, this is a beautiful post.

[Christine]

Thank you, Diane, for sharing what I have felt in a different way. This post will be a blessing to all who read it.

[KC]

Tissue alert!! Diane, this is truly a beautiful post. I ached with you reading about all the heartache you've endured. Thank you for blessing us with this.

[Suzanne Temple]

This is lovely, Diane.

[Maria Ashwell]

Diane, this makes we wish I had gotten to know even more before you moved to Belgium, and yet you have shared yourself so beautifully anyway. Thank you and I send you a big hug.

[Kristen Laurence]

Diane, I too have been through the experience of a failed adoption, and know in my heart much of what you speak about. I posted my own story today after having been inspired by you. May Our Lord continue to bless you and your family.

[owlhaven]

We also had a failed adoption (domestic) sandwiched between two pairs of wonderful adoptions of children from Korea and Ethiopia. What a blessing these children are in our lives. Thanks for writing this.

Mary, mom to many

[Alice Gunther]

Diane, this is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. Thank you for sharing this and letting us look so deeply into your pain and Faith.

I will pray especially for your daughter and for all your dear children, including those others who were almost a part of your family.

[Diane]

Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging comments here---they mean so much to me! I'll write more in another post soon...

Jamie---thank you so much for sharing your story here. It reaffirms why I had to share my own. God bless your faithful heart! I will be praying for you and for Amber and will write more to you soon.

Kristen and Mary---I look forward to reading your stories. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in this journey. Mary, our agency recently began a program in Ethiopia and it is something we are considering...I'd love to hear more of your experience. I'll write you soon.

[Tracy]

Diane thank you for this precious post.

[Theresa ♥]

I agree with all of the ladies. This was a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and love with all of us.

[Mrs. Pickles]

Thank you for this post. It really hits home for me, since I just recently lost a third baby to miscarriage. The only thing that gives me hope is that if I hadn't lost the first one, my husband & I wouldn't have been graced with our daughter who brings so much joy and laughter into our life. Like you said, we just can't imagine our family without her. So even though I wasn't able to keep these last two babies, I know God has someone else in mind for us, someone whom we will love with all our hearts and won't believe we ever could have lived without.
I'm glad to know, though, that I'm not the only one who struggles with these doubts and questions.